These days, I am always alone. Except when I meet Priya and Dhivya over the weekend. In the university, I am alone. At home, I am alone. I do not have too many friends at the university -- not ones I am comfortable enough to go with anyway. I have discovered that even if I do talk to people, even if I am open with them, I just make the same kinds of friends -- the kind I can say hi, hello to around the campus, add on Facebook,... have conversations about things that usually don't interest me.. nothing more than these surface-y relationships. I always used to complain I had no friends, and so I decided it was up to me to be friendlier and more open-minded. So I've tried it for two terms. I was talkative, I was open. But the friendships I've made are so empty.
When I walk along the halls of my school, when I climb up the stairs, I feel so different from everyone, as if I were some alien. I look around, everyone talking, or discussing their class work, everyone heading to class! Everyone so normal, and there I am. On my way with them. But am I really? They are so excited for life, so innocent and carefree, for careers, for marriage, children, family... I don't even have any real idea where I'm heading to or how I wanna spend my life, or when I think I do know what I want, I don't know how I'm gonna get it. I have to confess that there are times I wish I could just die, disappear, like I never existed, so no one will feel like shit. And also because it's freeing I guess, to think of erasing your existence -- all the pain, all the shit, all the happiness.. because even happiness weighs me down.
My family is with me at home, and I still feel alone. It has always been this way, but before, it was horrible because there was so much anger and resentment between all of us. We are okay now, for the most part. There isn't much anger or resentment. We sometimes go out, talk, have some fun. But most days, it isn't like that. I come home, take a long nap, read, go for a walk, use the computer, do my schoolwork,... If my dad does not come home for dinner, often, I don't talk to anyone, about my day, about my thoughts. There are times when I speak to my brother but it is rare. I barely talk to my sister, there is a lot of distance between us now. I don't even feel comfortable talking to her, my own sister.
All of this used to make me feel very actively dissatisfied, sad. But I've dealt with it and all there usually is now is a quite feeling of loneliness. I have my own world inside my head. I read a lot. I go out for walks, I listen to music. I dream. I sleep. I feel depressed from time to time. I cry. I love Savannah more than ever. I hang out with Priya and Dhivya over the weekends.
Priya is the only one who kinda knows I feel this way.
There are days when it sucks and there are days when it is delicious. Just me, in my head.
Well, we will see how long this lasts..