Me

A while ago, I realized that there is a possibility of me being alone forever. I imagined myself, 15 years older, 20 years older,.. without a partner.. and it was horrible. It made me feel so sad.. so empty. I didn't want to do anything for a few hours.. didn't want to eat, didn't want to sleep, didn't want to walk, didn't want to go anywhere.. didn't want to stay home. And I am ashamed of feeling this way. Anyway, what made me feel even worse was the realization that just cause I feel so crappy about it, doesn't mean it's not gonna happen. My instinct that there is someone in this world for me could just be me believing in it because I want it.. and okay, to a certain extent, I think this holds true. But it won't stop me from having faith in it. I think it would be so stupid to lose this faith too, because I am still young... I've barely lived my life.

I just find it unfair that I've never experienced ANYTHING. Everyone is learning, evolving, and here I am, just developing theories and ideas on relationships. Is that the way to learn anything, especially if it's something so real? A lot of people say stuff like "it's better to be single", "love isn't everything".. etc etc. Well, they only know that cause they've experienced something! I haven't! I'd only be able to really understand and internalize those words until I've had experience.

The idea of turning into a spinster scares me. When I imagine it, my immediate emotion is of not wanting to live anymore. Yes, it's crappy to say.. not nice to hear.. weak. Even politically incorrect? There is so much more to life than love -- yeah, yeah I know. I've heard it a million times. Emotions aren't always politically correct, or strong, or nice to hear, or nice to talk about though -- and this does not stop them from existing within us.

I think our immediate reactions to situations are very instinctual -- it comes from our most primal, truest, deepest selves. That is why I don't think I should be ashamed of feeling this way.. it is a truth about myself I carry with me. And the truth can never be "wrong", because the fact of the matter is that it exists. This emotion is a part of me; being ashamed of it would be being ashamed of myself; denying it would be denying a part of myself.. and for what? To conform with society's standards of what I should be like? Bullshit, no thank you.

Anyway, I'm not saying I should go all out with my feelings and let them control me. I just think I should embrace it.. well, I already have, actually.. I've just been too much of a CONFORMIST to feel unashamed of it. I feel quite lonely from time to time, and it does affect me for a few hours, sometimes even a few days... Nonetheless, I always somehow manage to keep it in tow and to get back to my regular un-lonely self. I think there is too much of almost everything in me, which keeps me from feeling that way for a long time. There's too much wonder, hate, anger, appreciation, passion, love, restlessness, etc. for me to keep feeling lonely -- like I said, it's just one aspect of myself. I also still feel there is someone out there for me,.. and I am somewhat optimistic about my life.. so it all works out.. sort of. :)