Me

To my mom:

I miss you. I wish it would always be just us.. but now you are gone and Papa is moving on. You know I don't like it. I understand why he wants to get married again, that is why I agreed to it. But deep inside, I really don't like it. I wish it was you he slept on the bed with. I wish it was you he gave secret looks to. I wish it was you he hugged, kissed. I wish it was you he was growing old with. After 20 years of being together, how does he replace you with someone else? He's in such a hurry to get married. And all because he wants / needs a woman to take care of him. Not because he loves that woman.

I did think I would feel this way before they get married, but not to this extent. It just hit me yesterday, when he said your and his wedding picture should be in my room. I don't expect him to keep it in his room, hanging on the wall while he shares a bed with Vivian.. but it's like he was so over you. I always thought Vivian would never take your place in his heart but I realized I was wrong.. Out of sight, out of mind. I guess I also feel like he's turning his back on our past.. on his parents, on you, on his siblings.. Nevermind your family. I'm more Indian in my values than I thought, I guess.

Now it's a whole new chapter in his life. I'm not so sure I'll like this chapter.. but I have no say in it.

I'm not so sure where I fit in in this new family. It makes me feel like I wanna start my own family. Get away and start my own. Have my own where I can just continue off from before they get married and solidify their relationship, before she takes your place in our house, in his heart. So I will always remember home and our family the way I've always thought of it, as one unit, even if you've been gone seven years. I may not feel your presence, you might just be dead, but I've always thought of it that way.

I guess this is the last step in letting you go. It's funny the way the last step can come after seven years.. I've got to let you go as the woman of the house, as my dad's wife. You know what a profound relationship that is.. and you know how I feel about marriage and relationships..

I've just got to accept it, I guess... come to terms with it. I don't want to marry a man like Papa. I want his heart to be true to me, to my memory, long after I'm gone. You deserve so much better, Mama... I'm sorry to say that about Papa.

Well, I just had to let it out. Had to say it publicly somewhere. I'll accept it soon enough.

You'll always be in my heart, Mama. I'll have kids one day and I'll tell them the little I know about you and I'll make you sound like a superwoman. I love you.

Meet me in outer space.
WE could spend the night;
watch the earth come up.
I've grown tired of that place;
won't you come with me?
WE could start again.
How do you do it?
Make me feel like I do.
How do you do it?
It's better than I ever knew.
Meet me in outer space.
I will hold you close,
if you're afraid of heights.
I need you to see this place,
it might be the only way that
I can show you how it feels to be inside of you.
How do you do it?
Make me feel like I do.
How do you do it?
It's better than I ever knew.
You are stellar.

-"Stellar", Incubus

I miss you, Goo. Does everything else have to matter? Can't what we had just be enough for now?

I just had to write that down somewhere..

A friend told me today that she hated animals. For a few seconds, I was speechless. I do realize that a lot of people hate them, but I just can't understand it. What's there to hate? They are innocent. She said they were dirty.. and this is the same reason many other people I know mention.

I told her that I think it's very bad to hate them. To me, it is deeply immoral. It is like hating babies, or hating babies cause they shit in their diapers.

What do people expect? For animals to be clean and "civilized" like us? But they are animals; they are what they are. We should just accept that. After all, we could've so easily been born animals ourselves (well, technically, we already are animals..).

I feel so passionately about it.. I was thinking about it for quite some time after she said it. Well I don't want to sound so high and mighty of course, but I feel quite disappointed in her. She has turned out to be so typically.. Indian, in the bad sort of way... I sort of got the feeling that she was like that, when we first met, but I was hoping I was wrong.

What shallow reasons to hate something!

in life, this is what i think i want:

i want to have a quiet life somewhere with people i love very much, after i spend a few years being a nomad. i don't want a high-powered career, a high-profile job. a lot of money would be nice but i don't really aim for it.

i used to want to be successful, recognized by society and all that, remembered by so many people years and years after my death, but then i realized... why would i want to be remembered, recognized? there are many great individuals, but society in general sucks.

so these days, i imagine myself in the future just living my life with people love, and one day passing on, my name forgotten, myself just being one of the billions and billions that have lived and died. and this gives me solace, peace.

These days, I am always alone. Except when I meet Priya and Dhivya over the weekend. In the university, I am alone. At home, I am alone. I do not have too many friends at the university -- not ones I am comfortable enough to go with anyway. I have discovered that even if I do talk to people, even if I am open with them, I just make the same kinds of friends -- the kind I can say hi, hello to around the campus, add on Facebook,... have conversations about things that usually don't interest me.. nothing more than these surface-y relationships. I always used to complain I had no friends, and so I decided it was up to me to be friendlier and more open-minded. So I've tried it for two terms. I was talkative, I was open. But the friendships I've made are so empty.

When I walk along the halls of my school, when I climb up the stairs, I feel so different from everyone, as if I were some alien. I look around, everyone talking, or discussing their class work, everyone heading to class! Everyone so normal, and there I am. On my way with them. But am I really? They are so excited for life, so innocent and carefree, for careers, for marriage, children, family... I don't even have any real idea where I'm heading to or how I wanna spend my life, or when I think I do know what I want, I don't know how I'm gonna get it. I have to confess that there are times I wish I could just die, disappear, like I never existed, so no one will feel like shit. And also because it's freeing I guess, to think of erasing your existence -- all the pain, all the shit, all the happiness.. because even happiness weighs me down.

My family is with me at home, and I still feel alone. It has always been this way, but before, it was horrible because there was so much anger and resentment between all of us. We are okay now, for the most part. There isn't much anger or resentment. We sometimes go out, talk, have some fun. But most days, it isn't like that. I come home, take a long nap, read, go for a walk, use the computer, do my schoolwork,... If my dad does not come home for dinner, often, I don't talk to anyone, about my day, about my thoughts. There are times when I speak to my brother but it is rare. I barely talk to my sister, there is a lot of distance between us now. I don't even feel comfortable talking to her, my own sister.

All of this used to make me feel very actively dissatisfied, sad. But I've dealt with it and all there usually is now is a quite feeling of loneliness. I have my own world inside my head. I read a lot. I go out for walks, I listen to music. I dream. I sleep. I feel depressed from time to time. I cry. I love Savannah more than ever. I hang out with Priya and Dhivya over the weekends.

Priya is the only one who kinda knows I feel this way.

There are days when it sucks and there are days when it is delicious. Just me, in my head.

Well, we will see how long this lasts..

I haven't written here in so long. Just haven't been in the mood. One of my friends sparked back my interest in writing here though.

I'm currently reading Memoirs of a Geisha. I was gonna stop reading it midway because some people said it wasn't authentic in its depiction of Japanese culture, and it was kinda boring when the main character wasn't a geisha yet. But I continued anyway cause I felt it wasn't that inauthentic and I usually feel guilty if I stop reading a book halfway through. Plus I wanted to know what would happen to her and the Chairman, her love interest... Hey, what can I say? I'm a romantic.. :P

A Kyoto geisha's life is a hard one.. Reading it, I realize how strict Japanese culture really is. And if Japan was portrayed semi-correctly during WWII (I should find out more about this), I also realized that they also suffered a lot, even before the Americans dropped bombs in Hiroshima and Nagasaki. I always just thought that the Japanese were cruel, that they made so many non-Japanese suffer while their own people weren't too bothered or terrorized until the Americans did what they did.

Almost everyone I know seems to think that geisha are prostitutes. Well, they are not. That is a very common misconception. To define a geisha, to explain what one is, does, is very difficult. I am too lazy to explain it.. Look it up on Wikipedia if you please: . It is still a crappy job though... you are there to serve and please men, basically. But it is done artistically.. Haha.

The book has made me really want to visit Kyoto. It is a very beautiful place. There is something about Asians, their architecture and nature.. It seems to promote a feeling of calm and serenity. I like it very much.

I read The White Tiger just last week, and I have to say, it's a very good book. I love the humour. Aravind Adiga really is talented. He does satire really well.. :)

My mind is blank and my head is aching..