Me

To my mom:

I miss you. I wish it would always be just us.. but now you are gone and Papa is moving on. You know I don't like it. I understand why he wants to get married again, that is why I agreed to it. But deep inside, I really don't like it. I wish it was you he slept on the bed with. I wish it was you he gave secret looks to. I wish it was you he hugged, kissed. I wish it was you he was growing old with. After 20 years of being together, how does he replace you with someone else? He's in such a hurry to get married. And all because he wants / needs a woman to take care of him. Not because he loves that woman.

I did think I would feel this way before they get married, but not to this extent. It just hit me yesterday, when he said your and his wedding picture should be in my room. I don't expect him to keep it in his room, hanging on the wall while he shares a bed with Vivian.. but it's like he was so over you. I always thought Vivian would never take your place in his heart but I realized I was wrong.. Out of sight, out of mind. I guess I also feel like he's turning his back on our past.. on his parents, on you, on his siblings.. Nevermind your family. I'm more Indian in my values than I thought, I guess.

Now it's a whole new chapter in his life. I'm not so sure I'll like this chapter.. but I have no say in it.

I'm not so sure where I fit in in this new family. It makes me feel like I wanna start my own family. Get away and start my own. Have my own where I can just continue off from before they get married and solidify their relationship, before she takes your place in our house, in his heart. So I will always remember home and our family the way I've always thought of it, as one unit, even if you've been gone seven years. I may not feel your presence, you might just be dead, but I've always thought of it that way.

I guess this is the last step in letting you go. It's funny the way the last step can come after seven years.. I've got to let you go as the woman of the house, as my dad's wife. You know what a profound relationship that is.. and you know how I feel about marriage and relationships..

I've just got to accept it, I guess... come to terms with it. I don't want to marry a man like Papa. I want his heart to be true to me, to my memory, long after I'm gone. You deserve so much better, Mama... I'm sorry to say that about Papa.

Well, I just had to let it out. Had to say it publicly somewhere. I'll accept it soon enough.

You'll always be in my heart, Mama. I'll have kids one day and I'll tell them the little I know about you and I'll make you sound like a superwoman. I love you.