Me

I'm in school now... listening to Explosions in the Sky. Just had my accounting exam.. it was hard. I didn't sleep the whole night, I was just doing what I had to do for the class, but I still wasn't able to finish the exam. Hmm oh well. Not like I'll fail the class. :D

I don't really have the time to post something right now, I have LOTS of stuff to do.. but I feel inspired, so here I am. 

Since Priya, my best friend, doesn't read my blog, I'm gonna admit something on here. I'm gonna miss her when she leaves... I wish she wasn't going... She's always been my best friend but I've never felt this way before. I've always been sort of cold about our relationship. Well when she's gone, it's just me again. It's not so bad... it's just that I enjoy and value our time together more now.. and it's not cause she left -- it's cause I'VE changed. It's kinda nice actually, before I used to wonder if there was something wrong with me.. like how come when she left for Canada the first time, I barely felt anything? I guess it's cause all my insecurities were blocking all those feelings. Insecurities and low self-confidence are so shitty... it's not only for the obvious reason that you feel like shit, but also because you can't love or feel for others fully.. you can't give much of yourself to others. Well I'm really gonna miss her but I know our friendship is boundless.. even if she's in Canada and I'm here, when we meet again after a few months, it'll be like she never left. One more thing -- no one else has had more faith -- the deep kind that comes from knowing a person really well -- in me than her. And I really need that, I need someone to have faith in me.

Last week, I realized, after speaking to a Korean classmate of mine, that all of us have to -- or should -- stand for something in this world. Before, I stood for not knowing anything... but I only stood for it because it was convenient and because of my cowardice. See, with not knowing, you could always be right. You're never gonna be wrong, you're never gonna put your faith and energy into a belief that could be untrue or incorrect or whatever. When someone talked to me about spirituality or the Universe or life.. well, I could just sway from one side to another, since I didn't really KNOW. But then, while taking a shower before going to my classes, I realized that it wasn't about being RIGHT... it's about believing, having faith.. I can't explain it so well but I understand what faith is now. Who the hell is right in this world anyway? No one. No one knows anything. So I decided that I might as well believe in whatever I feel is true (within reason, of course) . I don't want to be a coward anymore. If at the end of everything, I find out I'm wrong, so be it. I guess I've always been searching for the ultimate, absolute TRUTH. But what is that anyway? If anyone ever "finds" it, it's still belief, faith in something.. emotion within them for something.. There's really nothing higher.  

I've decided to embrace the belief I've had within me for a long time... it's my belief in the spirituality of life, the Earth.. the Universe. The Lion King really taught me something, haha.. and that is the circle of life concept. I really believe in that now. I embrace my respect for nature, for the environment, for animals! For people! I can not change the world, I'm just a part of it... Just a part of this never-ending story. I used to think I was special but now I know I'm not. And I'm fine with it. I think the way everything works is beautiful, the way I'm part of something so much bigger, so much greater.  

Now what I want to do is come to terms with death. I always want to be ready for it, because it can happen anytime. And I don't want to die with any regrets -- that's the worst thing of all. Regrets suck! And, there IS so much I want to do in life but I want to be able to let all that go, because it's all temporary anyway and death is inevitable.. I don't want to fear it. 

Heh I'm just babbling on when I have such a long paper to write.. on spirituality. :P Except I don't feel inspired when I know it's for a class, for SCHOOL.

Gonna get on it now. 

Elijah, I miss you. Thank you for all the insights on Buddhism, spirituality.. on life.. you taught me many things, made me think of so many things.. Not many people can do that. Thank you for not judging me, for listening to me and chatting with me... You were such a good friend.. I really did want to do so many things with you.. Wanted to travel with you, wanted to cook Indian food with you, wanted to go to Batanes with you. These things are never gonna happen anymore. I'm sorry I didn't realize before today that you died. I'm really gonna miss you, I've already missed you. How is it possible that you and I are never gonna meet? When I read what your live friends say about you,.. wow, you sound so amazing. I wish I could talk to you still and tell you all the stupid things I usually told you. Wish we got to dance to Bhangra together... you would've been so fun to dance with! You know I really enjoyed that thing of you shaking your head to the Bhangra song, and even going on webcam for me and dancing it. Who else would do that?? And just for fun! I remember you gave me a tour of your house on webcam, and I gave you one of mine too, also on webcam. That was really fun, I remember when you even noticed the electric fan blowing the hair around my face.. I remember all the Youtube videos you linked me to.. to be honest, I got bored of many of them... but yeah. Elijah, where are you now? I wish we could talk and laugh still. I never got to show you around Manila,.. never got to eat ginataan and kuchinta with you. And you never had the chance to disgust me with the meat you liked to eat. How about Benny Benassi? You're the one who really got me to like techno and trance.. and now I enjoy it so much. Remember Explosions in the Sky and listening to music at exactly the same time? Haha you found me so strange.. always called me a sap. Remember the hug emoticons we used to give each other? And the kiss ones, the heart ones.. and the roses.. we were just playing around, not serious at all.. but it was so fun.

I really dunno if afterlife exists or if you are still out there, somewhere.. but I really really wish we get to talk again and to meet for the very first time. I feel like I lost something good, I never even got to meet you..

I still have the box you sent the caramels in. I'm never gonna throw it. Thanks for that... you were such a great guy. I'm sorry you weren't very happy at the end.. and you didn't get to do some of the things you dreamed of doing... but you made a lot of people happy. I was reading what your friends say, and you sound like a great person.. how come we never got to really hung out, huh?

It's so crappy, I really don't understand it! I want to be able to talk to you again someday!

Well I'm so glad I met you, even if our friendship was only an online one. I'm so glad that in the last few months, you and I got much closer and I was able to tell you things I don't tell ANYONE. You're the only one who knew that side of me.. and you didn't even judge me for it.

You'll always be somewhere in my heart, Elijah! I will never forget you.

I am going to Thailand on September 1!! :D :D :D Well that's if everything works out, but chances are, they will, so yeah. Yay! I am soooo excited. =)

Hmm.. now where should I go for December?

Okay I just made a mug of chai. It's not that good.. :( Chai in India is so much better.. I used whole milk and it doesn't taste.. whole.. In India, they also use whole milk.. and it tastes good. Freaks.. ah well I tasted the milk there, it tastes so much better than the milk we get here.. guess that's why..

Well this chai isn't bad either.. I put some ginger and cardamon in it, the way some Indians do. It smells like India at least.

On a side note, I don't like calling it tea.. just chai. I dunno, when I say chai, it seems magical. :) I guess it's cause it reminds me of Indiaaaa! -- the motherland!

I am making chai for the very first time! I fucking love chai. I can drink it all day.

For those who don't know, chai = Indian tea

This is something I wrote to a friend.. we were talking about soulmates, mostly. While typing it, I connected the ideas together and gained deeper insights on it, and also on myself.. They're two e-mails so it'll sound a little disjointed.

I just believe that somehow, it [the idea of a soulmate] will work out for me. Yeah it's illogical, throw me all the logic in the world,.. but I'm not denying it's illogical. I know it is. But so what? As if everything can be understood by our itty bitty brains. Just cause my mind can't rationalize it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist or can't happen. And I can't talk for everyone, others are just willing to settle so how does any of this apply to them? Others are just crappy shallow people, so whatever to them. I just have faith in it for myself.
Logic can be so overstated.. who do we think we are, that we can understand something as great and as complex as the universe and all the things that go on in it?
I'm not saying that we shouldn't be rational and shit either, of course we should be. I just don't want to be limited to it and I want to go far beyond it! Because I believe that there is so much that exists in this world that doesn't really make sense to us. Maybe in the future a lot of it will cause our brains are always developing, and science too. Still, I don't think we can ever understand everything.
So anyway my point is that no one knows, you don't, I don't -- we just think we do and at the end of the day, we choose to believe in whatever we want to. If we didn't like the idea in any way, we wouldn't believe in it.
And since I really think it's like that anyway, that no one knows shit, then I might as well trust some of the things I feel and want to believe in.


Dreams can happen, you know. Just not all of them.. and they're hard and exhausting to believe in.. they also take quite a long time to happen, so yeah, it's easier to just not believe for many.

You'll see, I'll tell you about my life someday and it will be amazing. I'll probably have to settle and give up some of my dreams, I know that's gonna have to happen for sure. But at the end of the day, I'd still be living SOME of my dreams, I'll still have not TOTALLY settled, I'll still have a greater purpose and my life will be so different from everyone else's! It will be greater! Maybe not on worldly terms -- success, money, stable home life and shit.. but on my terms.. whatever makes ME happy. :)

So yeah, if we keep talking, you'll see. My life has already been a teensy weensy bit like my dream anyway, these past few months. So it's possible.

Haha. :) Yup, I feel so happy reading it. A few months ago, this wouldn't have come out from me. I just didn't have a lot of faith in myself, didn't think things could actually work out. But now I have a lot of passion for life.. it's difficult to see certain things in the world many times, a lot of things bother me. Today I saw a skinny dog walking on the sidewalk of a main road and I felt quite bad.. things like that really disturb me. Anyway, yeah all these things really suck, but I want to live anyway. I am hungry, thirsty! And I have a lot of dreams! Just have to work hard, have faith and see where life will take me.

I'm writing all this stuff and I should be studying!! Ahhh.. okay, gonna go now.

Yay! I rule the Universe! Hahha that's not true but I love saying it. :)

I'm listening to the song Pjanoo (thanks, Aneevie!) by Eric Prydz now. It's cool. It's getting me even more excited!! And I don't even know what I'm really excited about! I guess I'm just looking forward to my life! I just wrote an e-mail to a friend and told him about my plans with my two close friends to visit India next summer and just imagining, oh gosh, it got me so excited! My heart started pumping! Haha. And then I said that if plans don't push through, I wanna go to Egypt and Israel. I was imagining floating on the Dead Sea, unsinkable, and that was wowww. Hahaha.

And I saw a picture of the Shiva statue in an ashram in Rishikesh, it got me even more excited! I love this world! Well, not always, but at this moment, I do! There is so much to explore, so much to see, so much to love, so much to hate,.. so many people to meet! And I am hungry for all of it! I wanna see the Shiva status, I wanna see all the temples dedicated to all the gods, I wanna see the place Jesus was supposedly crucified in, I wanna see where he grew up.. I wanna see the Nile River and Mt. Sinai! Wouldn't mind exploring the area Buddha was around either! Sometimes I get confused and dunno what to think about spiritual stuff, or even to believe in it at all, but I decided to just love everything! All of it can be appreciated, all of it is amazing.

I was feeling lost a few days ago.. I feel that way from time to time. I lose my path, forget my direction, and then I gain it back again. :) So I just gained it back.

I am here in this world, living, and privileged. It sucks that others are a lot less fortunate than me and nothing makes any sense in the big picture actually (to me, at least), but WHATEVER! I love what I love, I hate what I hate. I give my life its own purpose, I live for the sake of living.. and I am gonna make the most of it! It doesn't have to have a point, it doesn't have to make sense in the big picture.. because it has a point to me..! There is something eternal in me, in everyone. Even if there is no such thing as afterlife.. well I believe that all of us have something we contribute to the Universe.. some sort of depth or spirituality or force. So after hundreds or even thousands of years, when the earth might already be destroyed, or when my existence thousands of years before that will not be known, it won't matter. The essence of me will have already integrated with the earth, with the Universe. And if that ends or gets destroyed too,.. well I contributed, in a very very minute way, to that end. :)

I went to my classes today. Failed my quiz in accounting. =( Not that I was expecting to pass.. I was quite unprepared for the exam. I was absent for the class just once -- ONCE! -- last week and gah, I don't understand anything anymore.. I was just texting my friend throughout the whole class. Haha. It's a domino effect kinda thing, with accounting.. you miss one class and you don't understand the succeeding lessons. Unless you study the books that provide incomplete information yourself.. you'll probably be a little more prepared then. Well I was doing quite well in that class before that quiz.. Anyway I'm just gonna learn everything I've missed and do very very well in my next three tests.

I was hanging out with my Korean friend for the next hour or so, he's cool. I got him to listen to some bhangra, Bollywood film music, some techno.. =P Ooo and I lent him my USB flash drive so he could watch Jab We Met. Hahah I wonder what he'll think of it! It's one of my absolute favorite movies!! I've watched it thrice and it always turns me into a romantic sap.

Anyway after classes ended, I had to go to a hair treatment center. My hair is falling like crap. And then I walked to the mall, had to buy some imporant stuff.. it was just 20 minutes away.. really enjoyed that walk. I was just listening to music, humming along,.. I really enjoy walking among lots of people, observing them, listening to bits of their conversation while still being in my own little world. And feeling the wind on my face. I used to hate the pollution and the crowd. These days, I try not to mind the pollution and I enjoy the crowd! The cars all over the place, the tall, tall buildings.. people walking everywhere!.. jaywalking.. hahaha.

Last night, I realized I liked the song Pokerface by Lady GaGa. Which is so not me! O-o-ohhhhhh puhpuhpuhpokerfaceee! :P

Ah well I am so damn tired. Damnnn tired. I should go take a shower and then sleep. Have to go somewhere early tomorrow morning.

There was a guy I liked a few months ago. We usually just e-mail or chat online, but we got to meet once. Anyway it got really complicated and for a while, we weren't talking. I thought I stopped liking him already, but when we spoke again, I felt the same way. Well just yesterday, I decided to let him go. To set him free... to set myself free. And I was able to talk to him today, as a friend.. with no hard feelings, no romantic notions.. I know you can't just erase your feelings for someone with a snap of a finger, and that's why i won't deny that somewhere within my heart, I still have some feelings for him. But I think that, at the very least, I am on the way to completely not liking him romantically anymore.. which is great.. and I still get to keep him as a friend.. I really hate losing friends.

Anyway, lately, with all the people around me being in relationships, I've been feeling lonely. I've been feeling like I should have it too and that it's unfair that they have it and I don't. I can't help feeling jealous of them too (well this was obvious) -- I'm a very jealous person. All I can do is control my jealousy.. I know what everyone would probably tell me about it, that someday, someone will come along for me too and so I shouldn't be jealous.. Or that it's not as great as it seems.. Or my life is a different one from theirs.. Stuff like that. And the thing is, I really know all those things.. it's just that it's all so logical. My head understands it but my heart does not. Sometimes I really have to remind myself of all these things and not let myself get carried away.

I don't want to depend on someone to feel fulfilled, to be happy. And currently, I don't think I do, for the most part. Because even though it's something I'd really like to have, I still manage to be happy and fulfilled. I could never be happy in the long-run if this is how it's always gonna be though. Yes, yes, I know, I'm young -- only 21. Why am I worried?? There are lots of reasons but I guess it all comes down to me just wanting someone now.

Ah I'm sitting on the floor and my ass hurts. Anyway, I should go sleep.. I've got ACTBAS1 (Introduction to Basic Accounting - Part 1) and OBLICON (Obligations and Contracts) tomorrow... And the university debate organization, which I'm a member of, is holding a meeting. OMG! I just realized.. I'm supposed to research on euthanasia! It's supposed to be our debate topic tomorrow! Oh jeez. Ah, I know! I'll just read about it in the library during my break. :P

P.S. Aneev, if you're reading, please comment? :P I confessed things you might feel bad about. Sorry.. I know I lied. And as honest as you think I am, I really couldn't tell you the truth at that time..

A month or so ago, I introduced an online friend of mine to a band called Explosions in the Sky.. He got to really liking them.. Of course, I love them. When I listen to their music and I am in the right mood (i.e. reflective, contemplative), I always realize how incredible life is, what a journey we are all on, how it can be so sad, so happy.. Their tracks have no lyrics at all, but they say so much, it's so strange.. how can music speak to you like that? And these guys do it so well! How they compose it is beyond me. They must be really amazing.. these songs are filled with melodies. Words, you can feign.. you can make them flowery, poetic and tragic.. but melodies like this? You have to feel that way to create them.

From time to time, I rave about this band. It gets a little ridiculous.. but they just always strike a chord in me. :)

Look them up if you care to. One of my favorite tracks is this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzzMgD0nKII ... And yes, I am a Friday Night Lights fan.

Okay so this is my first post. A friend convinced me to keep a blog, so here I am.

Well I have two tests later on, so I'm gonna go study.

So much for my first post.