Romantic troubles that are ever so unsettling..
There was a guy I liked a few months ago. We usually just e-mail or chat online, but we got to meet once. Anyway it got really complicated and for a while, we weren't talking. I thought I stopped liking him already, but when we spoke again, I felt the same way. Well just yesterday, I decided to let him go. To set him free... to set myself free. And I was able to talk to him today, as a friend.. with no hard feelings, no romantic notions.. I know you can't just erase your feelings for someone with a snap of a finger, and that's why i won't deny that somewhere within my heart, I still have some feelings for him. But I think that, at the very least, I am on the way to completely not liking him romantically anymore.. which is great.. and I still get to keep him as a friend.. I really hate losing friends.
Anyway, lately, with all the people around me being in relationships, I've been feeling lonely. I've been feeling like I should have it too and that it's unfair that they have it and I don't. I can't help feeling jealous of them too (well this was obvious) -- I'm a very jealous person. All I can do is control my jealousy.. I know what everyone would probably tell me about it, that someday, someone will come along for me too and so I shouldn't be jealous.. Or that it's not as great as it seems.. Or my life is a different one from theirs.. Stuff like that. And the thing is, I really know all those things.. it's just that it's all so logical. My head understands it but my heart does not. Sometimes I really have to remind myself of all these things and not let myself get carried away.
I don't want to depend on someone to feel fulfilled, to be happy. And currently, I don't think I do, for the most part. Because even though it's something I'd really like to have, I still manage to be happy and fulfilled. I could never be happy in the long-run if this is how it's always gonna be though. Yes, yes, I know, I'm young -- only 21. Why am I worried?? There are lots of reasons but I guess it all comes down to me just wanting someone now.
Ah I'm sitting on the floor and my ass hurts. Anyway, I should go sleep.. I've got ACTBAS1 (Introduction to Basic Accounting - Part 1) and OBLICON (Obligations and Contracts) tomorrow... And the university debate organization, which I'm a member of, is holding a meeting. OMG! I just realized.. I'm supposed to research on euthanasia! It's supposed to be our debate topic tomorrow! Oh jeez. Ah, I know! I'll just read about it in the library during my break. :P
P.S. Aneev, if you're reading, please comment? :P I confessed things you might feel bad about. Sorry.. I know I lied. And as honest as you think I am, I really couldn't tell you the truth at that time..
2 comments:
Well, I don't really know what to say. I guess I've come to realise that the truth... is not something that anyone owes you. All you can do is to be truthful as possible to yourself.
I'm happy you're finally recovering from the whole affair. Heh, relationships are complicated, more complicated than I'll ever really understand.
I understand about wanting to be independent, though. I've been trying to achieve that myself and I suppose it gets easier over time.
Have fun at school :)
Of course people owe you the truth, especially if you're involved in whatever that truth is concerned with. But people make mistakes, get confused and can't face the consequences, so we aren't always honest. It's not something we can totally prevent because it's human nature. And people should still be mad about dishonesty.. and then go through the drama of moving on and forgiving the person and stuff. What will life be, without drama, anyway? We'd be robots, wouldn't we? And how will we learn and grow and all that crap if there WAS no drama? So these things are meant to happen. We are meant to struggle.
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